I know many of you have wondered at some point in your life “What is the unwritten code by which gentlemen regulate their conduct in the MRT and LRT” After reading some entries in some blogs which were apparently written by 12 year old kids who haven’t got the slightest clue about gentlemanly conduct, I thought it’s about time to hear things from a gentleman’s point of view

For the uninitiated, there are currently 3 railway transits in metro manila. MRT runs along edsa and is usually the most packed. LRT2 is the most recent, the most spacious and most aesthetically pleasing (in terms of the actual infrastructure and the people who patronize it) LRT would be the least aesthetically pleasing (in the same sense as above)

Without further ado I shall now present to you the bushido of gentlemen riding the MRT

On conspicuous odors
The ambience in the MRT can be quite odiferous especially in the latter part of the day. You may find yourself savoring the very rich scent of the very fine gentleman standing a few inches from you. Gentlemanly protocol forbids you to make rude gestures or noises alerting him of the scent that emanates from his hairier regions. I believe the most polite and prudent action would be to give him a complement. Something like “Excuse me sir! I like that fragrance you’re wearing. Is that vinegar-scent?” I will illustrate the effectiveness of this approach with the picture below

As exemplified by the image above. This approach will always lead to a very cordial exchange of pleasantries

On giving seats

Social protocol demands that everyone should give seats to the elderly and the physically disabled and that men should give their seats to women in addition to the aforementioned groups of people

I consider myself a strict follower of these protocols. I almost always give my seat to the elderly or any aesthetically gifted member of the female sex …and the not so aesthetically gifted sometimes. But there are times when the desire to follow protocol is outweighed by the desire to keep your seat. The most common approach to this dilemma is to feign sleeping

Sometimes though, there can be protests and they can be quite verbal and more than sufficiently audible. There was a time once when I was quite exhausted and didn’t feel like giving my seat to the very well built and compact woman standing in front of me right away (I would’ve given her the seat in a few mins) She started very eloquently spouting words that seemed conspicuously targeted towards me like: “I do that too. Sometimes I also PRETEND that I’m asleep” If such a case should occur, you should hold on to your seat even more.

Reason #1: if you gave her your seat, that would highlight the fact that you were never asleep in the first place since you heard her.

Reason #2: Impolite women do not deserve a gentleman’s seat anyway. Seats should be given freely not demanded.

The most prudent course of action would be to pretend you’re asleep until you’re near your destination. At which point, you should act like you were suddenly awoken by your phone vibrating. Immediately scan the surrounding area for a female who is more deserving of the seat. -offer her the seat. Stand up, lightly brush your shoulder against that of the less than courteous woman and Proceed to depart from the train.

On segragation
Many a gentleman would scoff at the segregation scheme that they’ve recently implemented at the MRT and LRT1. Some of them are mildly irritated by the fact that the first cars where the ladies are situated are quite vacuous. while gentlemen are forced to less than comfortably cram themselves in the following cars

 

 

 

Some of the more hormonally active of us gents can be seen scratching their heads and looking at the people around them, confused. Almost unintelligibly muttering words like “Who am I supposed to grope now?”

 

 

 

Unlike them however, I happen to enjoy this new setup. Sure the visuals aren’t nearly as appealing and the odors slightly less than pleasant but should an accident happen I’ll most certainly be glad that I’m not in the first car. I also don’t have to hopelessly compete with ladies for seats anymore. Since there are very few ladies, you are allowed to use methods that are a bit removed from the realm of elocution. The art of physical persuasion can be used to greater effect. A fellow gentleman may be slightly annoyed by this approach. If his protests start to bother you, you may start asking questions about his sexual preference or the size of his member. Should this still fail to settle the argument, your elbow could then be used as a more effective tool for argumentation than your mouth.

Should you ever find yourself in the tabloids for your very gentlemanly conduct, don’t forget to mention that you got your manners from me

This article was also published at the man blog 

tags: manly decorum, MRT, LRT, bushido of manliness

To succeed in this business it really helps to have good marketing skills. You have to make people buy stuff that they wouldn’t normally buy. I consider myself well endowed in the realm of marketing. A lot of my buyers can attest to that.

I will now demonstrate my marketing prowess

 

Product#1:

We’ve all experienced it -Neck strain when riding the MRT. Introducing the fashionably upright MRT-or-LRT-chin-tripod. No longer do you have to look foolish popping your neck vertebrae because of neck strain. The MRT-or-LRT-chin tripod fully supports heads of up to 50lbs and the harness is adjustable so melonheads of various dimensions can be accommodated. As pictured above, it’s very inconspicuous and it doesn’t make you look like a Halloween artifact at all. It’s also very fashionable- I mean why else would that obviously very fashion conscious woman be using it.

 

 

 

Product #2

The most effective non-surgical, non-pharmaceutical solution to people suffering from rhinitis and chronic colds, Introducing the Decolgen-no-more-head-mounted tissue roll. It comes in the very attractive color of blue green with a very purty white base and neck strap. The sight of greenish goo oozing from your nostrils can eat away at your dignity. So buy the Decolgen-no-more-head-mounted tissue roll now to save whatever shred of human dignity you have left

 

 

 Product #3

For instant noodles with a capital “I”, look nowhere else than the Noodles-instamatic-chopsticks-with-a-fan-thingamajig. Comes in various colors to suit your mood or the flavor of your noodles. coming soon: the “Noodles-instamatic-spoon-and-fork-with-a-fan-thingamajig” For people with less chinky eyes …batteries sold separately

 

 

Product #4

Tired of bringing an umbrella to a perfectly sunny day? Tired of misleading weather reports? Introducing the rain-anywhere-red-umbrella 2000 guaranteed to make carrying an umbrella always worth your while and checking weather reports a thing of the past…Are further words really necessary? Just look at the pic and marvel at how convenient it is

Product #6 

Insecto-phobic? Scared of killing a cockroach with your slippers because you don’t want to be less than 5 feet from the gory sight of its entrails? Here’s the product just for you. The Slippers-with-a-5-foot-handle-cockroach-killer-for-insecto-phobics. For those days when a 10 foot broomstick just isn’t available

Product #7 

From the same people who brought you the MRT-or-LRT-chin-tripod comes the MRT-or-LRT-toilet bowl-pump-portable handle. If you ever find yourself in a precarious area in the MRT where there are no handles in reach, just reach for the very handy MRT-LRT-toilet bowl-pump-portable handle and you have an instant handle anywhere you are. You may even find that people would start giving you space –slowly moving away from you as they gaze in awe of this very ingenious contraption and its obviously very smart owner

And finally I just have to get this in

Product #8 

Do you have strong socio-phobic tendencies? Does the sight of attractive girls scare you?

Introducing the balls-of-steel-prosthetic gonads! Now you can finally go after the girl of your dreams with one of those androgynous sounding names like casey, dominique, sidney or Jaycee.Guaranteed to make you spout smooth one liners one after the other without hesitation

People who want to advertise in my blog can benefit from my very effective marketing style for a very “paltry” sum.

 

 

 

It just came to my attention that I’ve been such a wuss the last few months. Since I am a gentleman well schooled in the art of manliness and uber intellectual vocabularism, I will not call it emo. I will instead call it “A slight perturbation in my state of almost constant positivity and manliness”
 
We’re all human and we all occasionally suffer from bouts of depression and whatnot. What every man should know is that you can be slightly emotional without being a sissy. Here is the man’s guide to being emotional without being a sissy

 Resist all temptation to listen to Barbara Streisand or any form of overly mushy music-that is a deep hole you can never get out from. You might as well wear a skirt and scout Qav for man-whores while wildly waving your arms in the wind like a sex crazed homo. Instead listen to some pantera and feel the “manliness” slowly seep back in your veins

 Resist all temptation to stare at the horizon with a melancholic face and slightly teary eyes. That’s open invitation for some butt kicking if you’re in the right location. Poker is the keyword here

This is something that all self respecting men know by heart. Never, for any reason, cry in public. If you just can’t hold it anymore, point at a slightly less than pleasing face in the crowd, point at it and laugh …this should effectively mask your tears as those resulting from extreme amusement.

Should the loneliness ever become unbearable, you may be tempted to go on whoring sessions. Never go to quiapo to satisfy your urges. There may just be a reason why the girls there would sleep with you for 50 pesos. I don’t go whoring (I don’t need to, unlike most writers, I’m actually endowed with good looks) but if you’re desperate might I suggest maalikaya in cubao or a certain establishment that cab drivers know very well near the intersection of edsa and Quezon avenue …not that I patronize those establishments. I just heard about them from a friend

Should the loneliness become extremely unbearable, you may be tempted to put an end to your existence. Someone could write a full length guide about that but let me just get straight to the point. If you’re really dedicated and you really wanna add shame to the family name, Carbon monoxide is quick, clean and painless. Plus it gives your corpse a healthy pinkish glow. Just make sure you off yourself in the first try because people are gonna label you a sissy, emo, unstable boy. then they’re gonna refer you to a psychiatrist and you don’t want that.

…Men should never put themselves in such a position in the first place. Dump before you get dumped

One of my articles was actually published at the Man blog. I wasn’t paid or anything but it’s nice knowing that my article is there among articles of the most notorious people in the philppine blogosphere

As a token of appreciation for appreciating my underappreciated work, I’ll give the peeps at the manblog free promotion. Here’s free promotion for you peeps of the manblog.

I’m sure my legions upon legions of fans will start flocking to your site now ...thanks to ade and pau btw

I haven't posted anything in a while. It's not that I'm running out of things to write about. It's just that I have to finish whatever it is I'm writing the same day I started it Otherwise I lose interest. I have like 7 unfinished articles here

Anyway when most people run out of things to blog about, they post Youtube videos. So Here are some youtube videos. Just watch one that you haven't seen yet. THere's bound to be one here that should interest you

1.)Here's something again for you gents who are looking for some manly advice on doing everyday things. You may notice that the narrator's vocabularistic utterances sound almost as gentlemanly, eloquent and as intellectually discombobulatory as mine

2.)If you've already seen the video above, you might find the next video interesting. Crank up the volume, feel the double base in your chest, and see what real heavy metal bands should be like -gruff, un-theatrical and mildly racist. The gods of metal, Pantera

3.)Some of my atheist brethren have said that I have abandoned my hyper intellectually scientific, philosophical side in my quest for a wider readership. So here I present to you the closest thing to a god as far as I'm concerned. Lord Richard Dawkins Amen.

Feel free to do a pump fist and say yeaahhhh!!!! Total ownage!!!! The guy attempts to hide behind sarcasm but you can tell that his headache is for real. If only he were as atheistic as Jon Stewart

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I am supposed to take my OJT this year. I don't think I will I just can't see myself applying for a job. I can't see myself working for anyone. I'm worried that I might have to seriously maim someone while trying to argue the finer points of respect -ing me

It's just incompatible with my philosophies in life which are: "Employment is like slavery", "Bow to no master", and "world domination is the only way to go". Besides I asked my mentor stewie and he said it was highly inadvisable

I guess I don't mind taking orders from anyone ..as long as they call me sir and they really beg for it, on their knees while making pitiful little noises like little puppies desperately begging for food.

But I'll have to take my OJT at some point and as they say, to appreciate whatever situation you're in, you have to look at people who are in a worse situation. So here's a list of some of the worst jobs on the planet

Roman Catholic Priest: No offense people but to each, his own right? It's bad enough that they have to dedicate their lives to a fruitless, pointless cause, that they have to be goody-two-shoes-y all the time and that they have to talk latin while singing while preaching to a crowd of very sleepy people ...It's bad enough that most of them were born as gay, pedophiles ...Why the do they also have to practice abstinence for the rest of their miserable lives? that is just inhumane, people!!! The average male shouldn't be able to last more than a month without ejaculating. You're gonna turn these people into rapists

 

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